Thankful

First of all hooray for my classroom being 90% set up! Each year it seems to get a little easier. I find that this year I'm happily setting up my classroom because I'm in a grade I love. I'm happy because I feel like people are going to appreciate me and the talents I bring to my job. That's my happy thoughts for now...

On the reality hitting part...When I was very young I realized people are either going to love me or hate me...there is little in between. I'm sarcastic, and to many they love it and find it funny but to others it just makes me a bitch. I wish I could find a nicer word, but it's the truth. I used to think that I was okay with that. I could deal with the fact that some people would love me, and many would hate me. I determined I would see the bright side. But the reality of being me sometimes hurts.

My entire life friends have come and gone. It may be due to moving, or just growing and changing. I have never had a friendship that lasted for a lifetime. I always wanted to have that friend that had known you in your younger years and you could reflect back on all the great times. Nope...not for me. I had a best friend finally when I went to college. She listened to everything I said, she was this amazing friend. Then she lost 100 lbs. and decided I wasn't a good person anymore. She decided I was horrible and threw in my face all of the mistakes I had ever made. It was the most painful loss of a friendship in my entire life. Here was this person who knew me better than almost anyone, and she didn't want to know me anymore. But, I was determined to move on. I knew that I was a good person, and that someday I would find someone who would understand me and who I really am...not the sarcastic person I always show, but the REAL me.

It reminds me of the poem I wrote in high school. It was supposed to be a poem using the letters from your name. I still have it memorized.

Knowing me the way, most of you seem to think you do
Always talking, all the time, and
Rarely seeming blue. Though rudimentary I may seem at very serious times. It's really all my
Energy bubbling up inside.
Now try to understand how cheerful I must seem
How wonderful and exciting life must be to me. Always acting cheerful
Often just a scam...often think myself to be
Lower than the sand. So don't judge me because I'm
Different or
Eccentric at bad times. Just know I'm actually
Normal in a really good disguise.

I remember writing it in the hopes that people would accept me and realize I'm this amazing person underneath it all, and they wouldn't judge me. And, I'm still waiting....

I wonder sometimes how many pieces of your heart you can give away before there's nothing left. Not just in lost loves, but in friendships lost. Sometimes the pieces come back to you, and for a time you feel that you are somewhat whole again, but then the pieces drift away or someone else comes and steals a piece, and you are again feeling the pangs with each beat of your heart. My frienship with a person fell apart recently. I thought we were amazing friends. I adored this guy. He was great....he was sarcastic, and he seemed to get me. We talked baseball, and Star Wars (he got me into reading them), and just anything and everything. But somehow a piece of my heart was crushed when he decided to call me pathetic. He determined I wasn't worth being friends with. It killed me. I cried all day.

For years I've wondered how I keep meeting such sucky people, and then I realized, they can't all be sucky...part of it has to be me. Then I sit back and realize the wonderful people in my life. I'm so lucky to have great friends. I think of the wonderful people in my life, and how they love me for who I am...even if not all the time. :) I have friends who come and go, and I realized that while some will crush my heart pieces....others come back to rebuild my broken heart. I have friends who are meant to come back in a time of need to rebuild my heart. Those who see the broken pieces and stay just long enough to mend me back up and send me back out again. Those are the people I am so thankful for. And because we are females we'll get sick of each other, and probably talk some smack (which all females do) but in the end it's because we're like family. We love each other so much we can talk as sisters would. We can bicker behind backs, and talk about how they are getting on our nerves, but in the end it's because we love them.

Reality hit for me that while I may not have that best friend who will know that when I was eight I fell into a sewer, or that when I was in middle school kids tried to make me eat a paint ball and I was teased and wanted to kill myself...I do have those people who know just enough great stories to keep my spirits uplifted. Each of those people are the stars in my galaxy and they brigthen the dark nights like tonight when I'm feeling low....and I am so thankful.