Gummy Bears and Camp...Part duex

I mentioned Askia in the last post, and as I was relaxin at the pool today had time to think about him, and how much I had tried to forget. When I went to camp you always came out lookin for love....the song wookin for wub in all the wong pwaces comes to mind...anyway, you always wanted to find a cute camp boy. What's better than a high schooler that wants to help kids and is good looking? And by the way we did square dancing with the kids...a guy willing to look like a fool is totally hot. One of the times at camp there was this tall, skinny, hot guy. He was African American with beautiful green eyes. I was in love. He was amazing. We started hanging out my Senior year of high school. I knew he kind of liked me, but he had a reputation, and I was as pure as the driven snow. Honestly...pure pure pure. I had this friend who was a freshman, and she met him and wanted him. She was more...let's say not pure :) for lack of something better. I found out soon that Tina was calling him and asking him to hang out...so for the first time in my life I was completely forward. I told him I didn't want him to hang out with her because I wanted him for myself. I was shocked I could be so open. He told me he was willing to try things. I was elated. Here was this amazing guy and I had been open, and he was now mine.

I guess that was the first time I was forward, and have been from then on. The problem I seem to find now is that most men don't want someone who is forward like that. I get myself in trouble all the time for being honest with how I feel. Anywho...I remember my best friend at the time, Lisa, had season tickets to the Mariners and we would go all the time. Askia was a tall kid, way over six feet tall, and we had front row seats. He stood up, and started to dance. And soon the whole place was following his lead. He just had that personality. He was full of life, and was someone everyone seemed to gravitate toward, and I was proud to be with him. He went to our rival school so not many people knew we were together...and yet again there is another story from the pains of high school and middle school. Ahh...the joy of being an adult and being able to look back on your life and realize you are way better than you thought you were back then.

So I go away to camp, and I am in the midst of this terrible time in my life where I'm determining what to do. Do I quit? Do I stay? How do I give up this dream? Askia and I were in the midst of figuring out what to do with us, when I get this terrible letter. I actually still have the letter locked away...the letter said...and I quote "the way I see it you are a good girl" and it went on to say that because I wouldn't have sex with him, we couldn't be together. I was crushed. I can't say I didn't cotemplate just doing it so he would still want me. But I knew deep down I wasn't ready and couldn't go against my convictions. It was a crushing blow to my convictions let me tell you. I wanted to change my mind...but in the end I just didn't respond. A few months later I left camp, not because of Askia, but because of all the other drama, which my short little post can't even begin to really explain all of the things that happened there...when I left P (i'm using initials when their names are really rare or would easily be figured out) called me and said "ski is dead" then hung up. That was it. Ski is dead. I had dealt with death before from family and older members of the human race, but never someone who was 17.

Ski had killed himself with a gun. I can still remember locking myself in a room and not coming out for three days. I couldn't believe this amazing person who I had cared so much about was gone. And that P had called and so coldly said it the way he had. I went to the funeral. I remember cereal being on the casket because he loved cereal. He had run into some problems, and from what I was told he didn't have the money for the lifestyle he wanted and killed himself. I've never believed that to be true. He was amazing, and full of life, and he wouldn't want to end it due to something so trivial. I'll never know why he did it, but I do know it's stayed with me all these years. I wondered sometimes if maybe we had still been together...or if I don't know....what ifs are useless. I just know I would have never been a part of his life, or he my life if not for camp.

While camp brought tons of pain with it...it brought amazing people into my life that as I write I'm remembering and smiling.