Day Two...

Well my back is again sore...and it's only 9:06 and I'm ready for bed. My mom pointed out sometimes it's the mental exhaustion that is worse than the physical. I really do like the new company in their thoroughness. I mean there is no rock that is not unturned or explained. It's actually refreshing, tho at times it can be quite boring.

Really I did nothing exciting today. I did find that a certain person I was talking to stopped talking to me. He's married, and I thought we were coolio as friends, but apparently not. This always seems to happen to me. I meet someone who I think we could be cool friends, and then they seem to think I'm flirting, and then I have a wife at my door hating me. It's frustrating. But, I guess Harry met Sally kind of ruined the idea of men and women being just friends, tho I have no issue just being friends. It is sad to me we can't continue to be friends or cool. I guess I don't know both sides, so I don't know why a friendship would be difficult. Maybe him and his wife have had issues in the past. Who knows? Hopefully eventually we can be coolio again and kick it hard core. Maybe marinate a little. I do understand tho, and so I'll just have to find another friend to text when I'm so freakin bored. :)

Yup..that's how boring my life is right now. I have a million things I know I could go off on, and soon....soon I will. For right now I'm just way too tired. But, let me say, New Kids on the Block are probably the greatest boy band of all time, and I find it pathetic that Backstreet is trying for a comeback. Especially since I've heard plenty of Alex stories, and see that's he's not as cool as he thinks he is....ugh..that's a story for another day. Until then..peace out... i gotta go work on classroom stuff.

Day One Back to School..

Well today was our first day back at school. Same building, new company. While my back may never recover from today's events of sitting in a non-backed chair for eight hours...I found the new company to be very organized, and interesting. We were in meetings that were probably things I have known for quite some time, but it's always good to get a refresher....at least that's what I'm probably expected to think or say.

Nomar took my first day back like a champ! We got up at six thirty so I could take him for a walk, and then he ate some breakfast while I got ready for work. All too soon it was time for puppy to go to his crate. He was great! I ran home at lunch time to let him out, and NO ACCIDENTS! Yeah Nomar! I let him eat and walked him, and then right back in the crate. When I got home from work he was a champ still with no accidents! Now, since I'm on the topic of Nomar...he's so gross!!! If he could he would spend all day with his head in the kitty litter. It's just disgusting. I'll find him with kitty litter hanging off his chin and a big ole dopey look on his face. Ugh...and he keeps getting into Jenn's bathroom and eating toilet paper. Thank God it's not used toilet paper! He is a really weird dog...but I guess all dogs are like that. I get a lot of compliments on what a pretty dog he is, and I would have to agree.

But I digress...let's get back to school info. So, it's around this time of year when I'm feeling good. I feel good, and like I have a fresh start. I'm always excited to set up my classroom. But generally some point in the middle of the year something happens to make people not like me. I'm going to try my gosh darndest this year to not make the mistake of pissing someone off. I don't know what I do...I really don't...but somehow I always do something to make someone mad, and I really really have to watch myself. I need a good year! I need one year when I have just happiness. The one person on my team I have met so far seems nice...but very sheltered in some ways. He was raised going to ACE schools, which I did when we were missionaries. He seems like a nice kid, but like I said a little sheltered. I mean I've attended church most of my life, but I am the example of how church kids are not supposed to be apparently. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm going to look ahead to a bright and shining year. Let's hope I don't get myself involved in a stupid relationship that I will think is wonderful, but the guy will turn out to be stupid. And I'm going to not get into any trouble at school...and it's going to be a freakin fantastic year. I am going to believe that my 31'st year of life will be great!

Gummy Bears and Camp...Part duex

I mentioned Askia in the last post, and as I was relaxin at the pool today had time to think about him, and how much I had tried to forget. When I went to camp you always came out lookin for love....the song wookin for wub in all the wong pwaces comes to mind...anyway, you always wanted to find a cute camp boy. What's better than a high schooler that wants to help kids and is good looking? And by the way we did square dancing with the kids...a guy willing to look like a fool is totally hot. One of the times at camp there was this tall, skinny, hot guy. He was African American with beautiful green eyes. I was in love. He was amazing. We started hanging out my Senior year of high school. I knew he kind of liked me, but he had a reputation, and I was as pure as the driven snow. Honestly...pure pure pure. I had this friend who was a freshman, and she met him and wanted him. She was more...let's say not pure :) for lack of something better. I found out soon that Tina was calling him and asking him to hang out...so for the first time in my life I was completely forward. I told him I didn't want him to hang out with her because I wanted him for myself. I was shocked I could be so open. He told me he was willing to try things. I was elated. Here was this amazing guy and I had been open, and he was now mine.

I guess that was the first time I was forward, and have been from then on. The problem I seem to find now is that most men don't want someone who is forward like that. I get myself in trouble all the time for being honest with how I feel. Anywho...I remember my best friend at the time, Lisa, had season tickets to the Mariners and we would go all the time. Askia was a tall kid, way over six feet tall, and we had front row seats. He stood up, and started to dance. And soon the whole place was following his lead. He just had that personality. He was full of life, and was someone everyone seemed to gravitate toward, and I was proud to be with him. He went to our rival school so not many people knew we were together...and yet again there is another story from the pains of high school and middle school. Ahh...the joy of being an adult and being able to look back on your life and realize you are way better than you thought you were back then.

So I go away to camp, and I am in the midst of this terrible time in my life where I'm determining what to do. Do I quit? Do I stay? How do I give up this dream? Askia and I were in the midst of figuring out what to do with us, when I get this terrible letter. I actually still have the letter locked away...the letter said...and I quote "the way I see it you are a good girl" and it went on to say that because I wouldn't have sex with him, we couldn't be together. I was crushed. I can't say I didn't cotemplate just doing it so he would still want me. But I knew deep down I wasn't ready and couldn't go against my convictions. It was a crushing blow to my convictions let me tell you. I wanted to change my mind...but in the end I just didn't respond. A few months later I left camp, not because of Askia, but because of all the other drama, which my short little post can't even begin to really explain all of the things that happened there...when I left P (i'm using initials when their names are really rare or would easily be figured out) called me and said "ski is dead" then hung up. That was it. Ski is dead. I had dealt with death before from family and older members of the human race, but never someone who was 17.

Ski had killed himself with a gun. I can still remember locking myself in a room and not coming out for three days. I couldn't believe this amazing person who I had cared so much about was gone. And that P had called and so coldly said it the way he had. I went to the funeral. I remember cereal being on the casket because he loved cereal. He had run into some problems, and from what I was told he didn't have the money for the lifestyle he wanted and killed himself. I've never believed that to be true. He was amazing, and full of life, and he wouldn't want to end it due to something so trivial. I'll never know why he did it, but I do know it's stayed with me all these years. I wondered sometimes if maybe we had still been together...or if I don't know....what ifs are useless. I just know I would have never been a part of his life, or he my life if not for camp.

While camp brought tons of pain with it...it brought amazing people into my life that as I write I'm remembering and smiling.

Gummy Bears and Camp

Recently I got back in touch with an old friend. His name is Jason. We were great friends when I was 16 and going to a summer program that taught teens how to teach others about the harm of tabacco use. It was a great time, and generally we watched a lot of Rocky Horror Picture Show, and generally just played around. I remember bits and pieces and wish I could remember more....but Jason told me he always likes to throw in something wonderful with something bad...so Gummy Bears and Camp. My roommate was reading this amazing blog yesterday and she said "You fell in a sewer?? How'd you do that!!??" As she is cracking up at a painful memory (sarcasm) I realized that it might be great to write down more things just for her to read, or anyone else who finds me remotely interesting, and know more of the stories my big mouth may have forgotten to tell.

So back to my friend Jason.....Around the time I met Jason my life was kind of going out of control. I'll get into those details another day...but I was looking for something to help me get my life back on track. Well, in Washington State kids attend what it called Outdoor Education. It's a wonderful program I wish more states had. When kids are in sixth or fifth grade they go for a week of camp. It's during the school year, and they go with their teacher. They get to experience water testing, rope making, survival kits, and tons of other great activities. There is hiking, and singing songs...and well just overall happiness. The kids love it, the teachers love it, and I got the chance to love it. I didn't get to attend as a fifth grader or even sixth because at that time we were missionaries in the Philippines. I honestly don't even know how I got involved in the first place, but I did. I went as a camp counselor. The particular camp I was a part of had high schoolers train to go for a week. You even got credit for going! What craziness is this???

So, I went to Camp W. I loved it. There were so many wonderful things to love about it. It was all about good feelings and love, and I felt like I did a great job at it. My cabin was always this amazing place, and I think it led me to my current profession, in fact I know it did. I went as much as possible. My teachers were pretty annoyed that I was constantly asking to go back again and again. Finally one teacher told me no, I couldn't miss another week of school for this camp. I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to be a paid counselor when I graduated. So, each Thursday was the camps night to have families and friends come to see skits and what not. So, I would go EVERY Thursday after school. I'd drive the hour to North Bend, and I'd help out in anything they asked me to do. I was all about camp. It was as if I felt like I finally had a place in the world where I was needed and accepted.

My senior year of high school I went to camp for a final time. It was always painful the final Thursday. After the kids fell asleep the counselors were awoken and pulled into different fun meetings and such. It was always fun, but thursday was always the night where the counselors cried and said how much they were going to miss each other. It was also your last night to find a guy you might want to try to hang with after camp was over. :) Camp had this funny way of bringing together relationships. I met one of mine at camp....but Askia is a story for another time. So, here I am my senior year of high school, and I'm just basking in the love of camp and my dreams of coming here permanently when a bombshell was dropped. The leader of the camp Mr. Sullivan was not coming back to the camp. He was leaving. Everyone fell apart. We realized they had brought the best counselors that week just for the reason of telling us all camp was going to end. I was devestated. I thought for sure there were hints they wanted me to work there. How could I have been so wrong? As the campers went to leave Mr. Sullivan asked me to stay behind a minute. I stayed and he told me that he knew my dream, and he didn't want it to die. He told me they were going to open a New camp with a new school district and wanted me to be a part of it. I was elated!!

I was walked away from the camp fire by the two associate directors who told me that I was to tell no one of this new camp. I was told that a few others were going to be invited to be a part of it, but we weren't to talk about it. It was one of the best days of my high school career! I knew what I was going to do after high school since I knew college was something I couldn't afford. I had a purpose! I went to bed that night feeling great.

I went back to school and graduated, and then went to work for the Boy Scouts of America. They were the ones who owned the camp that we were moving to. Right away after graduation I went to work...well not right away. First I went to Disneyland, and a backpacking trip with my dad, and then it was right to work. I was 17 and it seemed like my life was falling into place. The camp was in the other direction from where Camp W was. This camp was in Olympia. It was a mess!! We got there and were told the whole place had to be redone. We had to paint, and clean, and....oh what didn't we have to do? It was like starting from scratch. We were there at six in the morning working, and our backs were killing us! But, there were four of us chosen to work there, plus the three directors, and then anyone else that would stop by to help, and tons of people did. It was this great experience!! We'd play music, and sing and just think about how exciting it was to start this great adventure together!

About a month into it, we started working on the curriculum. I was a great typist, and was asked to type up the curriculum. It was basically looking at the other camps stuff and retyping it....it felt a little weird, but I did what I was asked. I would write and work for hours. I was there before the sun camp up, and left after it went down. I was told I did more work than anyone, and I felt like I loved this new job more than anyone. I know that's just not true, but it was how it felt. So, we get this new office about 15 miles from the camp. We're told to be there bright and early. So, we get there, but apparently we were five minutes late. Oops. No oops. We were told if we couldn't get there on time to not come, and we were firmly locked out of the office. Now, I'm sure the other three have different memories of how this all went down, but this is the way I remember all of it. The next morning we were all there waaaaay early. So we're allowed in, and the leader of the camp shook our hands and said "Good Morning Ms. Karen" and greeted each of the others by name. We got to work, successful day. The next morning when we got there, not all of us greeted each other with a handshake. We were again berated and told that if we didn't do it right, don't do it at all. So, you can probably see the pattern. Each time a new lesson was to be learned, and soon we caught on quick. You do it Sullivan's way or not at all.

Well the time came for kids to start showing up. We all moved into camp. Let me tell you, the boys had this A-frame that was a real kind of house right? Well me and the one other girl were given a room in a big hall (I don't know how else to explain it was a meeting building with like six rooms). They converted one of the classrooms into a room for us. And in the bathroom they took out one of the toilets and put in a shower. It was all very weird. Because during the day kids used our bathroom, and we were supposed to somehow keep it clean enough they wouldnt' realize we lived in there? I dunno. It was all a bit weird. Oh! And the female teachers bunked in our rooms and we had to get up at four, and we weren't allowed to wake them up. So we'd keep our pagers (you didn't have cell phones back then) under our pillows so we could be woken up without bothering them. It really was pretty terrible.

We had on Monday this nature preserve about 20 miles away...maybe less. But we had to be there before the kids to have everything ready, then when the kids were loaded on buses we had to race back to camp and get there before the kids did to greet them. It was insanity! I don't know how we did it without getting pulled over. Well, that first Monday went great. All week went great! Mr. Sullivan kept saying how wonderful we all were. The four of us were the greatest ever. We were amazing. This is what he kept telling us. It was great. Only about 20 hours sleep a week, but who cared we were flyin high! Friday we would drive home, and I remember getting the biggest big gulp I could and sucking it down to drink enough that I had to pee so bad I wouldn't be able to fall asleep driving home. There were stretches of road I don't remember driving cuz I was so tired. I would get home and sleep literally for sixteen to twenty hours. I was exhausted...but to me it was worth it.

So week two comes....not so great. Every little thing that seemed wonderful the week before is now terrible. We're getting yelled at for every little thing. I didn't sing well enough, or I didn't talk the right way. It was just this whole week of mistakes. We left feeling dejected. Well I did at least. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I determined I was going to make things better. Well, this is getting long, so the shorter version (to be followed by updates later)...things got weird from there. I would be pulled aside and told to go tell P to chop the wood faster. So I would go, and P would threaten to kill me with the ax he was holding if I didn't shut up. I always believe he was told I thought I knew better than him. Because then I would be told to go tell M she was doing something wrong, and she would flip out on me. The three other counselors hated me. They didn't dislike me, they HATED me. I remember a conversation with Mr. Sullivan. He pulled me aside and told me they hated me because they could see I was better than them. He told me I was the one who would go on to be a teacher, and I would be amazing, and that I had to deal with the way they treated me. It was terrible. I remember hating them, and them hating me, and Mr. Sullivan along the way showing me the ways that I could learn from their mistakes.

Now, I was young, and so I was happy to see the people I hated making mistakes. It felt so good to know I was better than them. Was I better? Not a better person not at all. I was lead down a path of believing that I was. Looking back, I hate the way things went. Here was my dream, and because I wanted to believe I was better, and listened to someone filling me with lies, I lost my dream job. I still miss camp, and I know two of the three counselors are still heavily involved in camp. After six months of hell, I quit. I was coughing up blood and green crap from not sleeping or eating. I had lost 40 pounds (a blessing) from not having time to eat. I was told that I was a quitter for going to the hospital. So I had enough. I quit. I always look back and wish I could have stuck it out. That I would have let the other three torture me and make me stronger. I wish I had the space to write more details of the experience, and maybe later tonight I will....but it's hard for people to understand if they weren't there.

Camp will forever be a part of me. FOREVER. If you were there, you understand. It was this place where you felt like everyone loved you...until you got into the heart of it. When you got into the heart of things you started to see the cracks. In past years I've reached out through facebook to some of the people who were involved in camp, I even sent this blog posting to one of them in hopes he'll read and see that we both had our hell at camp, and I understand the pain he went through. The pain of the experiences there will be with me always. It was something I LOVED and I let it go. I loved it more than anything I've ever experienced. I even use the stuff from camp in my classroom every year. I want those wonderful memories rubbed off on my students. I've tried to set up a camp experience here in Florida. While this particular blog update may not reach all of you, I know one it will, and I hope he knows he wasn't alone in his feelings about camp.

Song from Camp:
There's a new place that I've come to know. It's off I-90 just on down the road. The sun it shines here almost every day...the wind and rain they just stay away, and it's home...my Waskowitz home. I've got my buddies and my new friends too. They're special people I know just like you. So many faces that I've come to see, and now I've added to my family...

Thankful

First of all hooray for my classroom being 90% set up! Each year it seems to get a little easier. I find that this year I'm happily setting up my classroom because I'm in a grade I love. I'm happy because I feel like people are going to appreciate me and the talents I bring to my job. That's my happy thoughts for now...

On the reality hitting part...When I was very young I realized people are either going to love me or hate me...there is little in between. I'm sarcastic, and to many they love it and find it funny but to others it just makes me a bitch. I wish I could find a nicer word, but it's the truth. I used to think that I was okay with that. I could deal with the fact that some people would love me, and many would hate me. I determined I would see the bright side. But the reality of being me sometimes hurts.

My entire life friends have come and gone. It may be due to moving, or just growing and changing. I have never had a friendship that lasted for a lifetime. I always wanted to have that friend that had known you in your younger years and you could reflect back on all the great times. Nope...not for me. I had a best friend finally when I went to college. She listened to everything I said, she was this amazing friend. Then she lost 100 lbs. and decided I wasn't a good person anymore. She decided I was horrible and threw in my face all of the mistakes I had ever made. It was the most painful loss of a friendship in my entire life. Here was this person who knew me better than almost anyone, and she didn't want to know me anymore. But, I was determined to move on. I knew that I was a good person, and that someday I would find someone who would understand me and who I really am...not the sarcastic person I always show, but the REAL me.

It reminds me of the poem I wrote in high school. It was supposed to be a poem using the letters from your name. I still have it memorized.

Knowing me the way, most of you seem to think you do
Always talking, all the time, and
Rarely seeming blue. Though rudimentary I may seem at very serious times. It's really all my
Energy bubbling up inside.
Now try to understand how cheerful I must seem
How wonderful and exciting life must be to me. Always acting cheerful
Often just a scam...often think myself to be
Lower than the sand. So don't judge me because I'm
Different or
Eccentric at bad times. Just know I'm actually
Normal in a really good disguise.

I remember writing it in the hopes that people would accept me and realize I'm this amazing person underneath it all, and they wouldn't judge me. And, I'm still waiting....

I wonder sometimes how many pieces of your heart you can give away before there's nothing left. Not just in lost loves, but in friendships lost. Sometimes the pieces come back to you, and for a time you feel that you are somewhat whole again, but then the pieces drift away or someone else comes and steals a piece, and you are again feeling the pangs with each beat of your heart. My frienship with a person fell apart recently. I thought we were amazing friends. I adored this guy. He was great....he was sarcastic, and he seemed to get me. We talked baseball, and Star Wars (he got me into reading them), and just anything and everything. But somehow a piece of my heart was crushed when he decided to call me pathetic. He determined I wasn't worth being friends with. It killed me. I cried all day.

For years I've wondered how I keep meeting such sucky people, and then I realized, they can't all be sucky...part of it has to be me. Then I sit back and realize the wonderful people in my life. I'm so lucky to have great friends. I think of the wonderful people in my life, and how they love me for who I am...even if not all the time. :) I have friends who come and go, and I realized that while some will crush my heart pieces....others come back to rebuild my broken heart. I have friends who are meant to come back in a time of need to rebuild my heart. Those who see the broken pieces and stay just long enough to mend me back up and send me back out again. Those are the people I am so thankful for. And because we are females we'll get sick of each other, and probably talk some smack (which all females do) but in the end it's because we're like family. We love each other so much we can talk as sisters would. We can bicker behind backs, and talk about how they are getting on our nerves, but in the end it's because we love them.

Reality hit for me that while I may not have that best friend who will know that when I was eight I fell into a sewer, or that when I was in middle school kids tried to make me eat a paint ball and I was teased and wanted to kill myself...I do have those people who know just enough great stories to keep my spirits uplifted. Each of those people are the stars in my galaxy and they brigthen the dark nights like tonight when I'm feeling low....and I am so thankful.

Beginning

So I guess this is how a blog starts. You sit down one day and think I have a million things on my mind, and instead of a diary I'll put it on the internet and hope Oprah comes across it and decides to put me on t.v. because I have so many wonderful points to make. Or really, I'm too lazy to write in a diary, and I think maybe...just maybe...someone else can relate to the ridiculous thoughts in my head and will want to say something in return.

How to begin?? When I was a little girl I always dreamed of my wedding. It would be with my cousin, a double wedding of course. We planned doves flying out of a heart that would go over the baptismal at my grandfathers church. We would marry the most amazing men, and have four kids. Of course all of this would happen by the age of 25. I would be blissfully happy as a stay at home mom. Then...reality hit! I'm 30 years old, single, and just got a dog. He's a wonderful dog, and I love him dearly, but I have to wonder if he's there to replace a person missing in my life. Let's just dive in shall we? I spend all day taking care of other people's kids because I shape the lives of individuals. I mold little minds, that's right...teacher. I get to see other people's kids all day and realize I still don't have any of my own.

It's funny when you first here about shows like the Bachelor. You sit down, and say aloud..."What losers!! Why do they have to go on t.v. to find a man?" But, maybe, like me, in your head you're thinking..wow, those girls are sucessful and beautiful, and that guy is amazing, and one of those lucky girls is gonna get that guy! And then they do...and women across America cry and think about how they wish that was them...and then they break up. The girl who is runner up is given her own show, and again girls gush over how lucky that girl is to have all those guys crawling all over her. I'm one of those people that makes fun of that show, and no I don't watch it, but I watch the finale, and I wonder what it would be like to feel so beautiful that guys fight over me. For goodness sake I'm 30...soon to be 31 and still single. Why? I don't feel like I need someone to complete me, but it sure would be nice.

So, yeah I'm a teacher, and I could spend days talking about how that is....and I probably will. Oh yes days and days and days of stories. I remember when I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I dreamed of all of the lives I would touch, and I believe I have. I dreamed of how someday one of my students would win an Oscar and would then say...Thank you to my teacher she shaped my life, and I would have been lost without her guidance. I dreamed of how I would be so happy in my life. Again...dreams. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching...most days. But I never imagined parents would be yelling at me when their child didn't do their homework. Parents would come in screaming when their child failed a test. Parents would come in screaming when they didn't get the supplies their child needed for a report, and it must somehow be my fault for not telling them (even though it was on the website!!). You may catch the pattern here...parents. PITA's Pains In The A...adams's apple? I just can't seem to remember what that last A is for! I dreamed of being this amazing teacher, and I feel like I am, but I never dreamed about what the parents would be like. Even now it's a week before teachers report back, and the nightmares have already begun. I have already started to worry about what the parents are going to be like for open house.

Open House...that's a whole post in itself. A night of parents judging you, and you defending yourself, and parents asking you questions....it's terrifying. I always stand firm, and seem to know everything, but it's scary knowing these people are going to be in your face all year.

Along with the new school year, and a new Principal I might add...I just moved. I moved from my dream condo into an apartment. The money saved was much needed since teacher salaries dropped this year. It's closer to school, closer to my parents, and I didn't need the huge condo I was living in anyway. I have a new dog, and I've never raised an animal on my own...unless fish count, and in my world they don't. My sweet doggie does count, and as it is he's begging to be taken for a walk.